I wonder about the balance of “wait, grasshopper” and ” believe the negatives” – both of which I have read from your columns.I wonder – should I cut my losses or stick things out a bit longer to find my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?But…his shadow self emerges, and I recognize I am still getting to know him.He has acknowledged that he has an ambivalent-anxious attachment style (with the tendency to retreat when he is feeling emotionally challenged, but still a deep need to connect), which he is making sense of in therapy and independently.It’s either a huge advantage, a huge disadvantage, or a missed opportunity! You can check out this link with a decent round-up of some of the very worst username strategies, but there are a lot of more mundane things that make for bad usernames.Trying too hard to perfectly sum yourself up is a common pitfall. Generally you should avoid anything with numbers, or super descriptive words (Ski Girl Seattle is very boring, even if it’s easy to come up with—and it only conveys information we’d be able to find in other areas of her profile).
Afterall, I did make the point almost anything can be spinned into a red flag.I confess I had no idea what “tossed salad” meant, but it turns out it meant something kinda kinky that did not convey what this gal intended.I’ve had ever so many users come to me with usernames that either convey something totally off (wrong gender, for example) or just failed to help them stand out and shine.I know there are other interesting men out there (they are still pursuing me!), but I am still more interested in seeing what this man has to show. The good: You have the awareness and self-esteem to realize your boyfriend is not the last man on Earth. You need more safety and intimacy, and when you don’t get it, you feel triggered.It sounds to me like he’s a good man, who is into you and is working through his issues. I can’t help but think that that almost anything can be spinned into a red flag and one would only tolerate red flags (Maybe it’s an orange flag in this case) if they felt they couldn’t do much better than they are doing now.Speaking of red/orange/yellow flags, what imperfections can exist in a person without them being any sort traffic light coloured flags?I’ve noticed this can stir up some maybe-not-so-long-lost feelings of abandonment for me, and wonder if this means that we are doomed?!I can see he genuinely cares about me and is eager to make progress.Now what makes things even harder to navigate is this: you’re really stuck on this guy. Why bail on a promising relationship just because there’s a hint of trouble? And you can’t let fear make your decisions in life. As you’ve identified, there’s a chance he won’t be able to overcome his past, but it seems to me like he has all the best intentions in attempting to do so.And you’re writing to me to make sense of what seems like contradictory advice, “wait and see,” or “believe the negatives and run.”Honestly, you don’t have to decide today. Which is why I see this situation through a prism of cautious optimism. As I see it, the script of your relationship has yet to be written. One of my favorite quotes is: “The only risk is the one not taken.”I wonder if she would consider staying if she was 10 years younger than she is now.